Baby

I was inside my body. I mean inside. Deep under my skin, inside of the pores and membranes, within the flesh, the fatty tissue, the fiber, the fascia, nestled within my bone marrow, merged into my bones and cartilage. There inside, I was feeling the blood pushing through my inner chambers, within and between my organs, noticing the sensations this placement came with, sensations that I was a part of, sensations that were familiar yet unclear.  

What was this strangely, vague and distant memory of something I knew?

Suddenly I realized I had forgotten the baby! My heart sank. She was under my care. How could I? How come she was not crying?

I ran into the next room, acutely aware it had been many days since I last fed her, since I changed her diapers. And oh! She must be so thirsty! 

I feared for her dreadfully. Was she safe? Would she even be alive?!

Oh my God! There she was. 

She was there with the others. The children had been taking care of her. They were doing their best to help her, to feed her, to play with her. 

Relief and shame flooded through.

They were all so young, the oldest just barely an adolescent. And they were all together, near each other, in the same room. 

Baby! Thank God she was okay! She was right in the center being held by a toddler and a slightly older child. 

She looked different though. She was bigger. Much bigger. Heavier. Thicker and longer.

When did that happen?!

I fully woke up then and as I did, I noticed my body sensations. My body was thicker, bigger, heavier now. And definitely much longer since then. Since I was a baby.

I felt that feeling again. So strangely familiar.

I did not like this sensation in my body. It was uncomfortable, full and heavy, like clogged pores struggling to breathe, closing in around my rib cage. 

I had been eating lots of chocolate lately, so busy, I had forgotten to take care of myself. So the others did.The younger parts of me. 

When I more fully awakened to the truth of this understanding, I knew my sensorial self was talking to me. 

Baby is the pre-verbal me, the part that speaks through my body’s lived felt experience. She speaks in images and sensations, as pure feeling, not words.

Baby was showing me that she needed to be better cared for. So I crawled inside, deep inside and held her there, right there in my heart, tears streaming, begging my forgiveness, in deep awe, in utter communion within the flesh and sugary chocolate residue.