Moving Forward Against the Odds

3/4 of the way into my launch year, things were coming up more than ever. It didn't matter how much work I had done on myself or how much I believed in my offering. The more I stepped forward into my calling, the more the frightened parts of me started screaming:

"Stop! You will get hurt again. Go back to sleep. We are tired. We just want a break. You can't do it. You never have before. Why would this time be any different?!"  

I would work for awhile, then start to fall asleep. My habitual ways of dealing with stress were out in full force. Like overeating. Like getting lost on the internet and social media addiction. Like missing deadlines and agendas. Like getting caught up in interpersonal dramas. Like not taking care of myself, pushing myself way too hard, not taking breaks, working past my sleep needs, sleeping in, breaking my promises to myself.

I was frustrated. These were strategies to help me manage my fear. So they were trying to be helpful these parts of me. They just wanted to make me feel better. Problem was, they were also taking me out of balance and away from my goals. Out of a balance I had worked long and hard to create. I didn't want that!

So this other part of me kept trying to take over. The slave-driving side pushed so hard, I started getting sick. I stopped seeing my friends and having fun. I worked 18 hour days. 

I was out of Source. Out of sorts with my true self. I felt like such a fraud. I was determined to continue to walk my talk. Somehow. And move forward with my launch.

In many ways, I was back at some form of ground zero, struggling to find balance, learning to love myself all over again. Learning a deeper level of understanding. Building a deeper inner resilience, understanding that I didn't want to muscle myself through this way. Not again. 

The pushing through was just as harmful. It was in fact, just another strategy. But then, so was not pushing myself.

I understood, all of these strategies had but one goal. That was to avoid myself. I really didn't want to feel the next layer deep. And deeper yet. I really didn't want to feel this deeper level of fessing up that was happening. 

It would have been so much easier to stay where I was. Living a half existence. Earning just enough to get by. Not showing or sharing my true colors. Not contributing my gifts. 

I could have hidden out the rest of my life in my little safety bubble, my basics covered. 

Except that my awareness had further expanded. And there was no going back. Even though frightened parts of me were surely trying, I could no longer undue my growing inner connection. I could no longer avoid my awareness of how my life was profoundly changed, of how what I was discovering could help others too, just like me. 

I was delving deep into my PTSD world. Into its origins, into the where and the why parts of me wanted to run away, to freeze, to get scrappy, to distract and avoid. They were all talking to me, making sure I heard and listened. And they were telling me, showing me exactly how and where my body was impacted. Because now I know how to hold myself through, to recalibrate my system, to help it to integrate, I was able to handle it. 

Not only is this incredibly profound to hold the self in this way, it is deeply spiritual. It is deeply spiritual to love oneself so fully. 

I have discovered a way to heal myself and I want to share this with you. Even though I am still a work in progress and I always will be, my journey continues, along with it, my ups and downs. What is different now, is my commitment. What is also different, is how I break through. Sometimes it is not easy but gosh is it worth it. It is so worth it. Because I am. And so are you. Please keep trying.